I have to so I am

As your shadow crosses mine

2011-12-05T08:01:00.001+05:30

Being in love is one of the most scariest feelings ever.
Or maybe it's the state beyond that.
When you know your life is better
because of someone's presence in it,
and you want it to last.

(Please last).

Title from song: We found love-Calvin Harris feat. Rihanna

There's been times

2011-12-04T08:54:00.001+05:30

We are 4 days into my favourite month of the year. December is usually full of things happening. It holds possibilities, a buzz, the promise of letting you do everything you've been waiting to do. It makes you a bit reckless, because you know it's your last time to do that thing you've been wanting to do all year.

I've accomplished a lot this year. Experienced a lot. And although lot is different from this time last year, everything is essentially the same. I am still the same, but one year wiser. And that's saying something. A year now holds so much more than it used to. Life happens at an increasingly frenetic pace, although you don't notice it at the time.

This year has been about finding myself, and I like what I've found.

And then I realise I feel this way at the end of every year.

And that's all I could ask for.

Title from song: All for you- Sister Hazel

Crazy love

2011-11-17T07:18:00.001+05:30

I woke up this morning, and was going over some thought in my head. About how confused I am. About the hours I spend doubting our relationship, and then have it all melt away the minute I hear his voice. How I go to bed calmed by the one sentence I heard him say through my sleepy haze. And how in that moment my heart surged with love, and how it didn't matter if I didn't hear it back.

Because there's something about this. I'm not romanticizing it. That's just the way it is. Reminded me of this post.

But there will need to be changes. Very slight on his part. Very big on my part- most to do with not letting my thoughts snowball into the paranoid mess it sometimes becomes.

I don't know if we can do it. I don't know if he wants this enough to do it.

And then I think about how he must see me- with my crazy mood swings, my sobs one evening, my laughter the next, my indecision.

And then I think of how I see him- constant, steady, unperturbed, honest. Through all my dramatics, he still smiles at me, and cracks a lame joke to make me laugh, and holds my hand each and every time.

He's not the one who's changed. I'm the one who doesn't stay the same. And labeling it as 'intense' is my way of hiding behind an excuse. I need to grow the fuck up. Whether I do it with or without him...well, only time will tell.

Title from song: Crazy love- Michael Buble

Lie to me

2011-11-15T07:18:00.001+05:30

I'm this close to getting my heart broken, and yet I am able to get out of bed. That sinking feeling is very much present, and yet I function. Sure I daze out now and then but I get my work done. I come home and go get my workout.

Is it hope?

Whatever it is, this is nowhere as crippling as my silly, meaningless downs. I'm surprising myself. Maybe when we really need to hold it together, we find the strength....from somewhere. Even if it means falling apart a month or two later :-)

Btw how long does it take someone to fall in love with their significant other? I love you but I'm not in love with you yet? Yeah, my heart is almost surviving this one. But maybe it shouldn't. Guess the answer will come to me soon.

Title from song: Strong enough- Sheryl Crow

How far I fall

2011-11-06T21:23:00.000+05:30

The need to cry.
Recurring bad dreams.
Anxiety about how things will turn out.

Sometimes I'm just such a bloody mess. Sigh.

Once I told a fellow blogger that I blog too, and he was trying to guess which one mine was. One of his guesses were "is it some emo, angsty blog?", and as I smiled my mind agreed.

Emo, angsty people write emo, angsty things, resulting in emo, angsty blogs.

How does one stop feeling so much? If hardships in childhood bear resilient adults, what do hardships in adulthood do? Drive them slightly nuts? Make them sit at their computer on a beautiful Sunday night and type meaninglessly because it helps them from thinking too much?

Seriously, when does all this make me a stronger person?

I'm waiting, Universe.
I'm waiting.

Title from song: Heartbreak warfare- John Mayer

If I just lay here

2011-10-25T10:23:00.004+05:30

Behind every bad person lies a good one. Nobody starts horrible. At the point of coming into this world, everyone has a clean slate.

However, not everyone is born into the same circumstances. And sometimes this makes all the difference.

The exuberantly angry man stared out at the snow covered landscape, his breath clearing the misted window pane momentarily with every ragged breath. It kept coming up in waves, and catching in his throat, and it made his chest ache with pain. He gripped the end of his walking stick harder, thinking he was going to die right then and there, alone and cold. And angry. But he couldn't, he couldn't. Not with so much unresolved. Not without anyone knowing.

He had held onto too many secrets in his life. It had been the right thing to do at the time, but now they were just smothering him. He was being choked by the weight of the secrets of others, and while they went about on their way in the world, he had ended up with a multitude of skeletons in his closet. Other people's sins, his to bear.

He had often wished he was Catholic. Atleast then he could imagine that this is what Jesus must have felt like. Or was it God? He was hazy on the details.

What had started as justice, ended…here. No witnesses, no company, no appreciation or gratitude. Just emptiness, loneliness, bitterness and guilt.

He watched as one lone icicle snapped and broke in two, the end disappearing into the snow leaving no trace.

This week's Indie Ink Challenge came from http://ms-ixy.blogspot.com;Ixy, who gave me this prompt: Skeletons, icicles and an exuberantly angry man. I challenged http://debragrayelliott.blogspot.com:Debra Elliot with the prompt Insensitive.

Title from song: Chasing cars- Snow Patrol

Digging deep for clues

2011-10-20T07:12:00.000+05:30

We've been arguing alot lately. I am intense, he is balanced. I worry that I am suffocating him, he worries...about me worrying. And I realise that at the heart of every argument is our need to want to make the other person happy.

That's probably a lifelong process.

But I hope we find our middle ground soon.

Title from song: Higher ground- UB40

And all its sad goodbyes

2011-10-15T09:23:00.001+05:30

Some people tell you that to be treated like an adult, you first need to act like one. Those people have obviously never met my parents. What is actually a pretty awesome relationship is at times frustrating, claustrophobic, and just saddening. At the root of most of my problems, lies my dependence on their approval and happiness.

Lately I have been thinking of all the friends I've lost along the way. Some really, really great people. Most of them I wasn't happy to see drift away. I keep bumping into them and I think, "We were once great. What happened to us?".

He says I should do things only because I really want to do it. Right now, he is it. Our r'ship hasn't quite yet reached that place where I am reassured of his everlasting love. But good things take time. So I wait. Am I being hopeful, stupid, or wise? Is it true that there is always one person who loves more?

All the points above lead to some motherfucking trust issues.

Trust in the fact that things will work out.

Because the cliche is that they always do. But the reality is that we just always survive whatever it is.

Title from post: Careless whisper- George Michael

She says she knows my mom and went to my high school

2011-10-06T07:48:00.001+05:30

I think I attract sadness. But as much as people laugh and joke and go crazy with me, they also tell me the sad stories they wouldn't tell anyone else. And this is not just friends I'm talking about. It's almost anyone I talk to. Problems, childhood traumas, relationship issues, workplace politics, dreams that haven't come true....you name it, I've heard it.

Maybe it's my face.

I still think I should have been a counsellor.
(With a sign on the door that says 'Enter only if you want to be converse in English'. So yeah. That's why I haven't pursued that. Also the possible training years)

Title from song: Hey baby- No Doubt ft. Bounty Killer

Every siren is a symphony

2011-09-20T07:25:00.000+05:30

Hearts, flowers and smiley faces- that's what you've reduced me to.

I open the door, and stand in my balcony, stretching with my eyes closed, blinded by the sunlight, warmth washing over me, and smiling into the darkness (my eyes are closed, remember).

I know now, for sure. I am positive.
I am all in.

The heart's property of always bobbing up to the surface even if it's spent months below tied to deadweights amazes me.

My heart's not bobbing now. It's soaring.

I'm in love. I love.

With him. Him.

All in.

(Nothing else makes me so incoherent, and smile stupidly).

Title from song: Every teardrop is a waterfall- Coldplay.

Walking on, walking on

2011-09-01T19:08:00.001+05:30

Sometimes I feel as strong as glass. That is, not very strong at all. I feel extremely fragile, and it hurts to breathe. Maybe I'm just dramatizing a bad day (week), but I've always been good at writing exactly how I feel. And right now, I'm glass.

Here's something from a poet I like:

You with the Crack Running Through You By Kim Addonizio

I can seep in, I can dry clear.

And yes it would still be there.
And no I couldn’t hold you forever.

But isn’t it drafty at night,

alone in that canyon
with the wind of the mind

dragging its debris—

I wanted to put
my mouth on you

and draw out whatever toxin …

—but I understand. There are limits
to love. Here is a flower

that needs no water.
It can grow anywhere,

nourished on nothing.
And yes.

Title from song: Walking on broken glass- Annie Lennox

Better with you

2011-08-29T19:12:00.000+05:30

You know you've got it good when with each passing month the butterflies flutter more.

When he doesn't do cartwheels for you at the start, but is increasingly there for you so that you can literally feel your bond deepening.

When he is slow to your fast, calm to your crazy, and simmering to your red hot.

When he knows the scary stuff, the skeletons in the closets, the parts you hate about yourself, and just listens quietly.

When he is a better person, and makes you want to be better too.

When you don't shout out I love you, because although it feels like forever, the best is yet to come.

Title from song: Music sounds better with you- Stardust

Living in the life of the common people

2011-08-28T19:04:00.001+05:30

I've got writers block. During a phase in my life where I sit and wonder why I'm not following a passion, and then wondering what exactly that passion is, I neglect the very thing I used to enjoy. I think my perspective has changed- from embracing my emotions to wanting badly to put them behind me. I've been so emotional lately, I'm tired of it. Then I realise that there's nothing to put past. It's a part of life, of living, of being who I am. I should know by now how to be on top of it and take control.

Still, somedays I fail.

But doesn't everyone?

I need a goal, an aim. I've been floating around for the past few years. I'm still afloat. Work doesn't give me any satisfaction, but it takes up most of my breathing hours and that very fact eats me up. I refuse to submit to it, but till I figure out what to transfer my energy to instead I'm stuck.

Again, everyone goes through ruts.

So far, the only things that make me forget everything and make me feel at home are the few people who I love and who love me. With them I find myself. The minute I'm by alone though, I feel restless again- like I'm looking for something I just can't seem to find.

Why am I not easily content? And why am I so hard on myself?

Why do I focus on the negatives?!

Title from song: Living in the life of the common people- Paul Young

Bleeding

2011-08-10T08:19:00.000+05:30

It's been a while since I listened to a song and cried.

I don't think I'm cut out for relationships.

Title from song: Hemorrhage- Fuel

And I say oooh

2011-07-30T15:59:00.002+05:30

So I got kicked out of the Indie Ink Writing Challenge for forfeiting twice (Write a humorous ghost story?! C'mon. All I could do looking at that prompt was yawn. No bitterness here btw ;-P), and just when I was wondering what I could do in the form of writing I remembered my thoroughly neglected 30 days of Truth challenge. So here's resurrecting it:

30 Days of Truth, Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today

Unless you come very close to dying, I doubt you sit and wonder why you're still alive. Isn't that how it works- you don't know what you've got till it's gone and all that. And as close as I've come to wanting to die, I've realised now that it is unhealthy of me to glorify that experience. I am done with defining myself by all the hurt and pain caused to me, even if it was by my own hand (does that makes me sound like a wrist slitter?!).

I'm alive today because I didn't die. A car didn't knock me down and the doctors didn't keep me alive, nobody pulled me out of a house on fire, or gave me CPR when I nearly drowned. Nobody neglected to look after me when I was sick and let it get the better of me.

Ah- there we have it.

Nobody neglected me. I didn't neglect me. I live a fortunate, blessed life where love and concern surround me. So even when it got really, really bad, it never got worse.

It never got 'worst'.

And that's why I'm alive today.
Because life's like that. And I'm lucky.

Title from song: Sunrise- Norah Jones

If I turn into another

2011-07-25T09:26:00.000+05:30

Work is boring, so I took the day off today. I seem to take a day off almost every week. If there's one person who takes full advantage of her leave, it's (you guessed it) me.

My mother gets a bit worried whenever I do though. It makes me feel worse- I get paranoid, wondering how I'll be with a household and family of my own.

There I go with my unjustified worries again.

But as my therapist once said , it's not that I'm weak. I'm just indulgent.

I think I'm just spoilt.

:-P

Title from song: Dig- Incubus

It’s my party, dance if I want to

2011-07-23T09:12:00.000+05:30

What does normalcy mean anyway?

I was lying in bed this morning, thinking of a conversation I had with him last night. He was venting about a bad day at work, and then drew a line on the table saying that life is usually like that, punctuated by little incidents (his finger went above the line a few times) and that it's not as bad as it sounds. I followed by drawing a zig zag with my finger, and said that's what life is like for me- and he laughed and said I should do something about it.

But it's not as bad as it sounds.

His words knocked on me- that's the milder form of 'hitting me' heh heh- and I quickly reminded myself not to assume the worst. He was joking, and I bet moments later he had already forgotten about it.

Do I do something about it? Or have I accepted that life to me is mostly a zig zag? My days are never empty, I'll always have something I get bored about/stressed about/worried momentarily about, and they'll also have periods where I'm laughing my head off/amazed by something I saw on the internet/happy to have got in touch with a friend/eating something delicious.

I LIVE my days. Atleast that's how I've defined it. It's like my mood is a ball I'm playing with, and everyday I'm juggling it. Sometimes it escapes me and falls, and that's when I have to chase behind it and grab a hold of it, but most days it's a juggle.

Is that normal? Or is it the normal I know?

Title from song: Tonight, tonight- Hot Chevelle

My head in a dizzy

2011-07-20T09:31:00.000+05:30

On days when I wake up feeling....well nothing much, I look back and wonder why I spend so many days waking up with the world on my shoulders. The buzzing mind in the morning is something I am seeing as a personality trait (maybe it's coz I'm a morning person, and staying in bed till past 7am is going against the grain), but why let it bog me down?

No matter how bad I feel my life is, more often times than not- okay EACH time- it gets better. I can cry, wallow, worry, fret, stress, lose sleep, and two weeks later it won't even matter.

So my new mantra is this:

Will this matter two weeks from now? A week even?

Think they call it putting things in perspective.

Title from song: Shark in the water- VV Brown

Brighter than the sun

2011-07-16T09:35:00.000+05:30

I slept too hard, and am up too early. The weather's lovely, the aftermath of last night's stormy rain combined with a cool breeze, framed by my flowery curtains and bamboo blinds. I'm wearing a new pretty top, a present, it makes me feel girly and sweet. Rubber thongs on my feet to add that me-factor- never wanting to be perfect, embracing mismatch and imperfection.

I write on bestie's facebook wall, call up another who needs cheering up and eat my toasted bread with butter and jam. I talk to the boy who makes my heart smile. I love him, my parents like him, and I'm so comfortable in his company that I don't even dream about weddings. Just content enjoying the glorious present.

I'm off shopping alone this morning and I look forward to it.

And then of course this plays on the radio :-)

It's like the world is a shiny red apple today, and I'm about to take a big crunchy bite out of it.

CHOMP!

Title from song: Brighter than the sun- Colbie Caillat

The bad day girl

2011-07-03T08:27:00.001+05:30

The bad day girl
has her heart in her feet,
and she trips on it constantly
even though she knows it's there.

She holds her mind in her hand
Squeezing it and feeling
it ooze out through between her fingers
and somewhere inside her, it hurts.

Her stomach's in her throat,
Comfortable there
Not coming out,
not going back down.

And of course, her smile is caught behind her teeth
barely there,
rubbing against her palate
and sighing,
helplessly .

Soy un perdedor

2011-06-21T10:22:00.000+05:30

So I let my down get the better of me today (and let's face it, yesterday too) and didn't go into work today. Half the time I'm on leave is because I'm sick. The other half is because I feel too low to face a day at the office.

Is this just me?

What do you do to help you make that final step out the door?

These are a few of my methods- radio blaring loudly, a warm and long shower, a super cool outfit, lots of makeup, smiling at the mirror, telling myself to grow up.

But sometimes, they just don't work.

Of course, I'm fine now. Sitting here tapping on the keyboard, downloading my favourite tv shows, in denial that tomorrow I'll have to go to work.

I hate being sick. I hate taking tablets everyday to manage my hormones (in case I haven't revealed this little gem before, I have PCOS. Or am getting there), and wondering whether it's these tablets that cause the moods. I ask myself why I don't work harder at getting healther, why I don't diet and hit the gym. I ask myself why I can't be mature and treat my job just for what it is and not let it stress me out and get in the way of my mental wellbeing.

I ask myself a lot of questions, don't I?
I know the answers to them too.

Except this maybe:
How do I tell my boyfriend, who has only seen me laugh- he makes me laugh, and sing- cause I do sing alot, and come back with amazing lines- I'm witty like that, that I can be just the opposite? That I can be moody, broody, negative, pessimistic, anxiety ridden and sad?

Can I expect him to understand?

I don't know the answer to that one.

Title from song: Loser- Beck

When you say nothing

2011-06-19T09:06:00.000+05:30

My posts this month have been way too few and far between, and mostly negative. I do admit I write mostly when something is bothering me, and atleast this time I have a valid reason. Been having a bad run of ill health, and having neglected it due to work raining down on me (and the dumbest subordinate on earth- more on that later), it all snowballed and basically I've been home for a week.

I'm on 11 tablets of medicine a day.
'Nuff said.

However, I have managed to keep my spirits up. Been catching up on all the tv I've missed out on, slept alot, eaten alot, and overall been rather zen about it. I've been sick before, and just like anything bad you go through, something good always follows right? If anyone should know that, I should.

A few things have been bothering me though- like work (always), the risk of putting on weight again (because I'm so tired after work that I forego workouts) etc. I guess it's all in the light of a new relationship. I don't meet him as often as I'd like to, and sometimes I feel he doesn't make enough of an effort. But granted we both have equally busy schedules and we both have the same approaches to our day- we prefer meeting when we're both relaxed as opposed to fitting in a hurried meal and dreaming about the bed at home. Maybe that's me justifying it, but perhaps because we're so alike, I actually get it. And I have decided I'm going to choose my battles wisely. I hardly ever vent on him, and if I have a bone to pick I slide it in carefully, judging reactions and moving forward accordingly. Common sense and logic have already told me the answer, and it's usually my insecurity/fear that makes me even wonder sometimes, so I tell myself to let it go.

Like right now, I want to whine to him- "Why don't you want to see me everyday?!".

Ah, the early stages. Everything is an experiment.

Title from song: When you say nothing at all- Ronan Keating

A host of imperfections

2011-06-13T19:53:00.000+05:30

I'm on medicines more days than I'm not.

Atleast that's how I feel right now. Been having annoying sicknesses for the past week, and after trying the local stuff -now doesn't that sound dodgy- and not getting better, I finally resorted to seeing a doctor. I now take metallic tasting big ass antibiotic, which fortunately is yeilding results.

Deciding to go the whole hog, I visited other (another?) doctor today about recurring condition I have in relation to my procreating parts. She smiled at me, asked me why I wasn't getting married soon, and plonked down a prescription of not one, but two daily tablets. For 6 months. Just for my well being and all that.

As I stood at the pharmacy, a wave of self pity overcame me. Antibiotics for infections, antidepressants for happiness, pills to retain my womanliness- honestly, why do I have to depend so much on meds to stay (dreaded, horribly subjective word coming up) normal?

And then I recognised my self pity for what it is. I shed a few silly tears, and scolded myself for always piling on the negativity. I took antidepressants just once- fought it off all the other times. And if my body is prone to infections, well then antibiotics are necessary to get better, so tough shit. And atleast all I have to do is be on the pill a few times a year and exercise and eat healthy to keep those hormones intact- and even though I put on a bit of weight, I can always do a bit more to keep it off, and it's much less than what a lot of people go through. Besides, good diet and exercise is important. Having a compelling reason is even better.

And the pill is automatic birth control. Ahem ;-)

Title from song: Flaws and all- Beyonce

Leave me where I lay

2011-06-05T20:41:00.001+05:30

I would not exchange the sorrows of my heart
For the joys of the multitude.
And I would not have the tears that sadness makes
To flow from my every part turn into laughter.

I would that my life remain a tear and a smile.

A tear to purify my heart and give me understanding
Of life's secrets and hidden things.
A smile to draw me nigh to the sons of my kind and
To be a symbol of my glorification of the gods.

A tear to unite me with those of broken heart;
A smile to be a sign of my joy in existence.

(From 'A tear and a smile' by Kahlil Gibran)

I had a great weekend. Hope you did too :-)

Title from song: Don't tell me- Madonna

Like a dog

2011-06-03T22:59:00.003+05:30

So in case you hadn't already figured it out by my recent posts, this week was downright sucky. Wait, let me capitalise it for effect.

SUCKY.

Ah well, I guess it could be worse.
Don't you hate it when people say that in the form of consolation? But perhaps there is a reason for that. Possibly the fact that it's true!

I think it's because I'm trying to juggle and fit in relationship into my by now hardened into routine single life. I must admit, it's lovely hearing that voice and laughing till tears run down your face, but it also sucks (clearly the word of the day) when you wake up in the morning realising you missed his call and the one chance to properly talk all day simply cause you had fallen asleep from exhaustion.

It also sucks that I haven't met up with good friends in a while, had a concentrated long convo with either of them, or even with my mother. Connections matter a lot to me, and too long without touching base makes me rather grumpy.

On the up side, managing something really exciting at work right now, and although it is pretty much the reason for all the angst, it is still challenging and thus better than being bored out of my mind. I read a quote today- If we are growing, then we will be out of our comfort zone. Or something like that. By someone whose name I can't quite remember.

There! Random and rambling post done!

Title from song: Hard day's night- Beatles

Virtual insanity?

2011-06-01T08:03:00.000+05:30

So it's been happening again this week. I've been waking up way before I should, and stressing out about work over a slowly but persistently sinking heart. I tell myself the usual - this is temporary, ups and downs, job dissatisfaction is inevitable, everyone goes through it, it's just a job, I'm getting a promotion SO BE HAPPY DAMMIT!

Perhaps it's because things are a bit up in the air at the moment. I'm loaded with work (am I though really, or is it me just being easily overwhelmed?), and I hardly get to see Him or even manage to talk to him for 10 minutes during my work day. I enviously think about couples who sneak in lunches and mini breaks and sigh. I welcome the work, because not having work gets me down too.

And then I get down realising that I get down either way.

I have a free evening today, think I'll pop in at the Therapist's. Weirdly, I actually look forward to the half an hour or so I spend sitting outside her office, reading or people watching till it's my turn.

Okay. Off I go to face the day!

Title from song: Virtual insanity- Jamiraquai

Grace

2011-05-29T23:15:00.002+05:30

I scroll through pictures from 4 years ago, and I almost can't recognise myself. My hair's longer, I'm thinner in one instance, fatter in another. And most of all there's something I cannot quite place that is somehow so different. Maybe it's the extra wrinkles at the corners of my eyes, maybe it's the cheeks that hang just a tad bit more. Then again, I know it's not. It's only been 4 years, but my face seems to bear testament to all that's changed. I look so much older, in a good way. In a way that says, "I have been there, done that". I'm still smiling the same way though (such a poser!), but my smile contains an appreciation. An appreciation of fighting back, sitting it out, happiness that follows sadness, good friends, self worth, vulnerability.

I have changed, and I like it.

Title from song: Grace is gone- Dave Matthews Band

Feeling glad

2011-05-24T07:38:00.000+05:30

When I feel sad, nothing else matters.

It doesn't matter that I have loads of work to attend to.
It doesn't matter that it's my mother's birthday.
It doesn't matter that I lie to him and pretend everything's okay.

All that matters are MY feelings, the injustice done to ME, and the fact that I have no one who will stand up for me.

This may be exaggerated, and I know it will pass, but right now in this moment, I am sad, and that's all that matters.

Title from song: Clint Eastwood- Gorillaz

My happiness

2011-05-22T07:51:00.000+05:30

I'm happy and content. And it makes for one lousy blog!

Please bear with me :-P

Title from song: My happiness- Powderfinger

Wonderland

2011-05-18T18:52:00.004+05:30

My 2nd attempt at the Indie Ink Writing Challenge! This time my prompt (by Barb) was:

Write a love letter to yourself from the viewpoint of the opposite gender.

Hey you,

I'm not great at passionate declarations, and right now I'm rather stumped for words. Bad enough as it is, it gets worse when I'm happy.

You make me happy.

I'm not sure what drew me to you. You were sitting there reading your book, and you smiled at me for maybe two seconds. It didn't even strike me that you were someone I wanted to get to know more, though I did think you weren't so bad to look at. And then I turned away again, away from you, and that was that.

It wasn't till he asked me if I would like to meet you that you entered my mind again. To be honest, all I remembered was the fact that you were reading a book in the middle of a groundful of people playing sports. Even then, that was enough to set you apart.

And that's what you are- different. I sense the doubt and insecurity in your voice when you look at me shyly and ask "really?", and I wonder what made you so doubtful, and why someone like you would need to be doubtful in the first place. You're mature, but then you tell me you're really not, and then I realise that this is what make you immature. Your lack of awareness on the effect you have on people around you.

The effect you have on me.

I'm wary of telling you what exactly that is though. You're transparent like cellophane, till you're not. Your eyes light up when you see me, till you avert them and stare at the spot above my shoulder. You run your hand up my thigh and stop just in time to tease me, and you laugh- not because you're driving me a little bit crazy but because that's how you mask your nervousness.

But whatever it is, I like watching you laugh. I like the fact that you make me laugh. I like how we finish each other's sentences, and know the missing words. I like the way my lips feel against yours, and the way you fling your arms around me and cradle me with affection. I like our silences, the way we don't do something just because it's how it should be done, walking on the beach, saving things for later.

I like you.
In fact, I think I may even love you a little.

And that's how we save things for later.

Yours,
Me

P.S- Oh look. The words did come out after all :-)

Title from song: Your body is a wonderland- John Mayer

Your direction

2011-05-18T15:29:00.000+05:30

As I'm writing this, I'm also chatting to him online. Our chat is full of smiley's, silly lyrics of songs, and confessions. I typed out a message after he dropped me last night, asking if he got home safe, and then didn't send it because it sounded too routine and relationshipish. I am in a relationship though. All over again.

But this time it will be different.

I am essentially the great girlfriend. I will shower them with love, smile dazzlingly at their friends and make intelligent conversation. I will charm the parents, dress up and show up, and kiss them senseless until we're both melting in each other's arms and sweat.

But this time I will be aware. Of every step, every moment, every word and action. I will feel every sensation, and think before I speak. I will bite my tongue when I get mad, and sing a song in my head when I get jealous. I will value my independence and my friends, who have been my rocks and anchors throughout some of the worst times in my life, and I will not expect him to be my saviour.

Because I know I can save myself.

Title from song: Shiver- Coldplay

In your heart

2011-05-12T11:09:00.000+05:30

So....he asked me out :-)

This is what I know. I'm on my turf now. With a good guy who is worth the risk of falling for.

Guess he had the jackhammer after all!

Title from song: You are a tourist- Death Cab for Cutie

I'll be your teenage dream tonight

2011-05-08T09:57:00.001+05:30

He asked me if I've had angsty periods. I said yes, not so long ago. And then he asked me if I was happy.

"With what?"
"Life. In general"
"I am. Like right now, I am happy"

Is a man the cause for my happiness?

Yes. And no.

Yes- because seriously, who wouldn't be happy to be with someone seemingly (ha, caution!) sane and sweet and caring, and who kisses you mid sentence while walking with you?!

No- because we've learnt that depending on others for happiness is a big no-no. But I'm not depending on him for it. I'm happy that I've arranged my life in a way that encourages happiness. It may be fleeting, but then again, so is sadness.

I earned this, dammit. And I'm going to enjoy it.

Title from song: Teenage dream- Katy Perry

Stop for a minute and smile

2011-05-07T09:52:00.001+05:30

When I wake up in the morning thinking I have to write a post about happiness, dating, and love and then sit here and hear a song on the radio and remember him, and feel my heart just pause and bask in....something (happiness?), I know I'm in trouble.

Oh fuck.

Title from song: Price tag- Jessie J ft. B.O.B

Ooh ah!

2011-05-04T07:56:00.001+05:30

Quick update time!

Career

I sold my soul to the devil for a while longer :-/ Maybe this was for the best, cause as the dates got nearer my paranoia wasn't getting any better, and my plans suddenly seemed so haphazard and insufficient. And that's when management hounded me, refused my resignation, promised me the sun and the moon (pending still) and asked me to stay. My ego gave into their praises and promises. Did I sell out? I don't know, yet. But my frame of mind allowed me to be totally outspoken and demanding, which I would never have done had I not decided to leave. But isn't that life? Perhaps. However, in order to not totally let myself down, I will be starting on getting myself prepared for an alternate career too.

Dating dilemma (refer earlier post for latest boy in my life update)

He told me last night that THIS IS NOT A FLING. I didn't even ask :-P I've been smiling ever since.

Title from song: Ooh ah just a little bit- Gina G

You're freaking me out

2011-05-01T10:53:00.001+05:30

I met him last night. After more than a week of non-stop messaging, and long, long phone calls, a certain degree of anticipation, and a lot of smiles later. It went off okay. Atleast I think it did. I remember being in his arms at one point and thinking, "This I shall not over analyse". And then I wake up the next morning and over analyse it.

The walls I have built around my heart are way high. They are more than walls, it is a veritable fortress. And just when I thought the dam was opening up a bit to let the water flow though, BAM! They shut back tight, constricting my thoughts and anything else that may result from it.

I'm sick of these walls. I'm sick of every boy who cemented the bricks together, a row a day. I may have let the waters run dry, but the walls still remain, useless and confining. I don't want them there, I want to feel good things, I want to let someone love me. At their pace; at mine. And even if it never becomes love, I want to let in the good stuff, not the soul crushing, self-destructive ones.

I want to stop judging people based on superficial checklists.
I want to be less uptight.
I want to be kissed and feel it, and not just feel the rythmic pulse of tongue on skin, while I look over his shoulder.
I want to kiss and feel something, anything, apart from the mindless fumbling and the instant revert back to normalcy the minute it stops.

And I want to stop thinking about him, even if it was for 10 seconds after god knows how long, because it was long enough for a tear to slip out as I realise yet again, that I can't find him in anyone else.

I want a jackhammer. Or better yet, someone with one.

Title from song: Control freak- Copeland

Stolen

2011-04-26T21:01:00.002+05:30

So I am participating in the the Indie Ink Writing Challenge this week! The prompt courtesy Random Girl followed by entry:

You have just been given the opportunity to take possession of the one thing you want more than anything else in your entire life at this moment. The catch is, by you accepting it someone you love will lose their most valued possession but will never know it was because of you, only you will know the truth. Do you take hold of the thing you want or let it pass and what drives your decision?

If I look back at all the things I’ve ever really yearned for in my life, it would boil down to this. This feeling of being wanted, tended to, cared for and noticed. Of being listened to, hugged, idolized even. It’s not like I grew up lacking it. I always did, and still get an abundance of it. But each time it happens, my world wraps itself around it, growing in the sunshine, melting in the rain, and slowly but surely spreading till soon there is nothing else that really matters.

But sometimes there are things that matter. Like when you don’t notice the mould that’s building up in your soul due to the lack of sunshine. The spirit that’s wilting because there is not enough air. The roots of fear clawing at your mind, and the bitter taste of regret on your tongue.

The other woman, who doesn’t have a clue.

Sometimes there are lengths you will go to, boundaries you will cross, rules you will break. Sometimes you lose touch of reality in your pursuit of what you think you want.

Sometimes you forget how much you are giving in order to get. How much you are taking from another who has also given so much to get.

And then suddenly getting it doesn’t seem as important anymore.

And you let go.

You break through the shroud, and you

Breathe.

Title from song: Stolen- Jay Sean

Back up off the wall!

2011-04-24T22:05:00.000+05:30

My life is always better than what my mood dictates.

Title from song: Get down on it- Kool & the Gang

Free-falling

2011-04-22T08:34:00.001+05:30

Found this on the www and thought it was beautiful, and appropriate to my life at the moment:

The pursuit of happiness

Experience. Dream. Risk.
Close your eyes and jump. Enjoy the freefall.
Choose magic over predictability.
Wake up to the magic of everyday life.
Make friends with your intuition. Trust your gut.
Discover the beauty of uncertainty.
Know yourself fully before you make promises to another.
Make millions of mistakes so that you will know how to choose what you really need.
Know when to hold on and when to let go.
Love hard and often and without reservation.
Seek knowledge.
Open yourself to possibility.
Keep your heart open, your head high and your spirit free.
Be wrong every once in a while, and don’t be afraid to admit it.
Awaken to the brilliance in ordinary moments.
See goodness in the world.
Be bold. Be fierce. Be grateful.
Be wild, crazy, and gloriously free.
Be you.
Go now, and live.

P.S- my 'living life' plan has got delayed due to management wanting me to stay a bit longer than I wanted to. However, it could be a blessing in disguise as it gives me time to get more organized. Oh and I'm going to join a gym! (Hi 5's self!)

Title from song: Free falling- Tom Petty

To pieces

2011-04-20T22:24:00.000+05:30

This rubberband romance is draining me out
I can't get close to to you, only to have to pull back,
only to get close to you again.

Get the fucking scissor, and cut me off!

Oh wait.
It's with me.

Title from song: Fall to pieces- Avril Lavigne

No handlebars

2011-04-17T08:13:00.002+05:30

I'm feeling extra creative these days. I'm not sure if my brain is compensating for my recent extreme behaviour, but it seems to be saying, "No, no you're not nuts! Here- take this idea, use it! This one too! Oh oh here's another!". I can't quite keep up.

I've been writing more often. I wish I could escape somewhere with a laptop and sit atop a mountain tapping away. The lack of a laptop doesn't help me get any closer to that dream though.

I think it's the adrenaline. I'm nervous. Explaining to everyone is tiring, especially since I don't have too much of a plan (all those ideas!). My parents are being supportive though, and that makes all the difference. Pushing myself to do things is the hard part, but I need to grow up sometime.

Maybe next year this time, I'll be studying something interesting.
Maybe I'll be back at a desk sending email after email and laughing with my colleagues.
Maybe I'll be doing something I really love,
failing which, atleast I'll know I tried.

I just need to try, and keep trying.
Remind me not to give up easily please?

Title from song: Handle bars- Flobots

Just can't see

2011-04-15T11:23:00.001+05:30

I can choose what makes me happy,
I can, I can, I can.

I can control what makes me sad,
I can, I can, I can.

But what if what makes me happy,
also makes me sad?

Title from song: So far away- Dire Straits

Write you a love song

2011-04-14T09:03:00.000+05:30

Firstly, Happy Sinhala & Tamil New Year to you folks who are celebrating! I am too. Hungry at the mo, and greedily thinking of the kiribath!

Secondly- since I'm going to have more free time on my hands soon (and an idle mind which I want to prevent from turning into a devil's workshop), tell me, what sort of writing would you like me to write? If it was a story, what sort of story, and if it were a play, what type of play?

Almost all the writing I do is here, so I can't really ask anyone else :-) So- opinions welcome and necessary!

Title from song: Love song- Sara Barailles

Black and blue

2011-04-12T23:09:00.000+05:30

It's sad that I can relate to this song and the situation in the video right now:

Sad, sad and pathetic!

Ah the cycle begins.

Title from song: Make you feel my love- Adele

Blow!

2011-04-12T06:59:00.002+05:30

I'll be unemployed in less than a month.

Oh fuck.

My oh-so-insightful therapist agreed with me yesterday that I'm not going through depression but a period of anxiety. See, in my good moments I KNOW I'm a pretty non-ordinary person- like seriously- I speak well, write well, I'm usually confident, friendly, daring, spontaneous, emotional, sensitive blah blah blah. I have a lot of talents that are way under utilised, simply because I'm lazy and scared that the only person who will think I'm any good is myself.

So you can imagine how I'm feeling right now. The thought of being broke for the foreseeable future makes my hands go cold too.

There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure -Paulo Coehlo

Oh well. Atleast it's fun to watch everyone's jaws drop when I break the news.

Title from song: Blow- Ke$ha

In a pineapple under the sea

2011-04-10T12:50:00.000+05:30

I'm an emotional sponge.

Soak, soak, soak.

Till I'm heavy with the weight of his, her, their, our, my
feelings.

Come now.

Take me,
wring me out,

And hang me to dry
in your sunshine.

Title from song: Spongebob Squarepants theme song

What will it be?

2011-04-08T07:30:00.001+05:30

"So are you going to wait for him?"
"I don't know how not to."

"So will he be like in the active part of your mind, or behind like in the subconscious?"

"Oh active definitely."

Two big decisions I've made this week:

If I think something is worth it, I have to sit it out sometimes and be patient. I've been hasty with love all my life, and while it is assertive of me and may protect me from hurt (ha!), it also means I let my past pains scare me into doubting everything. And I think he deserves a chance.

Secondly, I'm going to say bye bye to the corporate world soon! I'm not sure what I'm going to do thereafter, but one step at a time. Step 1- get healthier. I'm so unhealthy, it's just not funny anymore. I'm going to take a break, take it easy, volunteer, figure out what I want to pursue. Not setting a deadline on myself- because if anyone causes me stress it's myself. And no, I'm not doing this out of depression. But depression is what pushed me to make the change. It's what I've always want to do. And if I don't try it now, I'll never do it, and regrets are not fun to live with. Who knows? And I've never been more scared or excited :-)

Everything happens for a reason?

Title from song: I don't wanna wait- Paula Cole

You make me this, pick me up

2011-04-03T12:20:00.005+05:30

We've been doing this for over 12 years. This dilly-dallying, vollying back and forth, first across the hall in our school uniforms, and then with awe struck sighs and flirty conversations, little notes and letters, heartbreak, jealousy. Acceptance. Nothing.

You remained in the backdrop of my life, someone who you don't think about but is somehow there. You placed yourself in front of me, I kept veering around you. Happy birthday, happy birthday, oh you're sick? get well soon, I'm working here now, I'm seeing him now, I broke up with her, I think you're pretty, I broke up with him, and him, and him, my heart hurts, your heart hurts? wanna do coffee? No. no. no. no.

Yes.

We spoke every night, every day, and I don't do well with attention. It becomes a drug, a lure. I like you, but I like her, why do you pay me so much attention then?, because I love and care for you and you tell me we can't be friends just because I don't want to get into your pants? But I like you! I LIKE YOU. I don't usually like people like this, how could you not like me back? How could you, I hate you, get away. Go away, away.

Nothing.

But somehow, someway, you persist. You put up with my meanness, even when I do my best to treat you like crap because doing anything more would make me like you again. I hurt your feelings, too many times, and I don't even say sorry, not even yesterday when you recalled an extra mean message I had sent you and said how horrible it made you feel. What makes me think you deserve to be treated that way? Just because guys play around with our feelings, what gives me the right to box you with all the others? You're unique, you're grumpy, you come and sit a few seats from me watching the same play alone, and then message me later checking to see if I want a ride home. You're there every single time I'm down, never questioning, knowing when not to talk about it, when to say, "okay I'll be there" when I ask you if you can come in the middle of a work day to accompany me to hospital because I'm freaked out and not even ask what the appointment is for. It doesn't matter to you that I push you away when you hug me, that I don't answer your calls, that I tell you about my blog without ever sharing its address with you. How you tell me, when I ask you whether you think I'm weird:

"You're moody, difficult, and you complain a lot.

But you're still lovely"

We've been doing this for over 12 years. This dilly-dallying, vollying back and forth. I don't know what it is we are. All I know is that even when you're not around, you always are.

Title from song: Mr. Saxo Beat- Alexandra Stan

Happens for a reason

2011-03-30T20:00:00.003+05:30

A quick post to say

....for the mails, the comments, the concern, the support, the laughter. I can't put into words how much it meant to me and what a difference it made, whether you could relate to me or not. I was in a bad place, and knowing I had you rooting for me and waiting for me to get better gave me strength.

As dark as my posts sound sometimes, I hope you know I will always get through it. It's a promise I've made to myself, and this blog is testament to that. After all, If I give in, how can I expect anyone else not to?

I am awed by the miracle that is my psychiatrist. The last time I saw him was over a year ago (he remembered me!), and then too he said things that made all the difference. Sure, I had to stick to working at the personal flaws that needed changing, but isn't it lovely to have someone understand exactly what your weird mind is thinking?

I told him what I was afraid of, what I thought I was going through, and he mirrored everything back at me (like the ones on TV who scratch their chin and say "but why do you think you feel this way?" while tapping their notepad with a pen. Except this guy didn't have a notepad, wore badly colour coordinated clothes and had a comical face). It all seemed so trivial then. And so within my control. Why do I feel pressured? Employment is an OPTION I have, stressing out is an OPTION, caring too much about work is an OPTION. I don't believe my life should revolve around it, so why do I let my thoughts? Why do I feel like a loser and a failure for not living upto my own high standards? What defines a loser and a failure anyway?

I was told to think about these things. To challenge the views I have been brought up with. To not be enslaved by ideas that are purely subjective.

He said it's all a part of 'the maturation process'. I laughed and said, "Yeah, I'm still growing up!". He said I'm lucky to be going through it now, that some people never realise what is important to them and what isn't until it's too late.

I walked out emboldened and hopeful. Went back to work with a smile and told my manager today that I'm unfit, I can't be a workaholic, and cannot be working late each day.

He told me that I just need to get laid.

Oh well. That would definitely be the easier option.

P.S- I'm not on pills! Shrink asked me whether I wanted them, said it's not a big deal and taking pills is not being a 'failure', and if I don't want to then that was upto me too. I said no thanks, that I'll work this lazy mind of mine a bit and give it a shot for now. Think it's working :-)

Title from song: Just get better- Aerosmith & Santana

Here we go

2011-03-29T09:17:00.001+05:30

I realised what I'm afraid of the most- unhappiness. Isn't that what everyone's fears finally boil down to? The feeling of sadness and desperation it leads to or leaves behind? I think so, on some level. In a world so high on the 'idea' of happiness and so realistically far from it, anything less than euphoria becomes almost unacceptable. Why does Buddha keep saying that contentment is the richest blessing (or was that health? well, something good anyway)? Probably because it's so hard to achieve.

All my life I've shied away from unhappiness. Oh no, not anyone else's. To everyone else, I'm the shoulder to cry on, the one who gets it, who is not awkward when someone dies, who holds their shivering hands, and sits silently and lets them cry. Sadness does not make me uncomfortable. Except when it's my own.

I go to great lengths to avoid situations which have the potential to make me sad. It's why I can't handle it when my mother says she feels ill and that her chest hurts. It's why I avoid outings where I might bump into exes. It's why I get depressed at the thought of being depressed.

It's why, right now, I am getting panic attacks at the thought of going back into work. Because work these days spell monotony and routine for me, it symbolises a place where I am trapped, something I just have to do because it would be socially unacceptable for me not to. I just want to have kids and look after them. Do domestic things. Have tea parties and movie nights, and go on holiday. Invest in the stock market and live off that. I want to, someday. But right now, it is not an option. And it frustrates me, and makes me sad, that my spirit is so weak that I'm bound by the boring norms of society, that I'm not brave enough to embark on making a livelihood out of something that makes me happy, and is rewarding.

It's why I'm going to see the doctor again today. I'm so scared. About having to take pills again, about that period where it gets worse before getting better, about having to do this over and over again. But what is it that they say about facing fears?

You just got to.

Title from song: Rocketeer- Far East Movement feat. Ryan Tedder

Turn and run

2011-03-28T09:45:00.000+05:30

I spent all last night wide awake, letting fear cripple me and the negative thoughts flood in unchecked. Every step of the way I knew exactly what it was going to do to me. Once I told someone that I like pain. He asked if I cut myself, and I said no. I do it all in my head.

The stress seeps into my muscles, tightening them, causing me to grab my shoulder and wince. Please, please hurt more, so that I have an excuse to feel like this. Make me sick, break a leg, give me an allergy so that I can be sedated at a hospital. Anything, so that I don't have to admit to anyone that the illness is only in my head.

I wish they would lie to me. Tell me it's natural to feel this way, that they feel it too. That it's okay to stay at home, and not step out of the house for five days. It's okay because I'm still funny and witty and beautiful, and I wash my hair regularly, cut my nails and paint them. It's okay not to answer thier calls because they still love me, it's okay to shut them out because I'm thier daughter. It's okay; it's not in my head.

But it is.

It's all in my head.
And it's driving me insane.

Title from song: Over my head- The Fray

Check up on it

2011-03-27T08:54:00.000+05:30

Okay I'm on facebook! One more way of keeping track of me. More so, I thought it would be a good way to spread the word about the blog and reach more people.

Do you 'like' me?

If so, tell everyone by clicking here!

Title from song: Check up on it- Beyonce feat. Slim Thug

Not the only one

2011-03-25T18:06:00.000+05:30

Sometimes I really wish I could go public with my depression. Just last week yet another young boy known to my friends committed suicide. Two this year. And those are just the ones that go all the way. I doubt the situation will ever get much better as long as Sri Lanka continues to be as misunderstood about the illness as they are now. Why are we so hesitant to admit that we suffer? Why are we afraid to show that we are human?

I have contemplated doing something to create awareness quite a few times. This blog is doing its part in its own little way, but it doesn't feel like it's enough.

Ideas anyone?

Btw, I'm going through a low period these days. Work stress is giving me physical pain, resulting in frustration, resulting in an inability to get out of bed. On days like these I talk little, go out even less, and eat alot of cheese toast. It irritates the crap out of my parents, and then we fight. I wish I could tell them, "For heavens sake, do I have to SPELL it out? Can't you see it's not a hacking cough I have, but a hacking mind?!". I'll save them the pain though. Coughs and colds that don't get better are easier to digest than a bout of depression I think.

Under control though.

Title from song: Imagine- John Lennon

Untouched

2011-03-23T23:28:00.000+05:30

I keep accepting dates with boys I don't really like in hope that I may start liking them.
I also accept dates with boys who I find really hot knowing I already like them.

The former end up leaving me confused and turned off.

The latter end up leaving me.

Title from song: Untouched- The Veronicas

5 years time

2011-03-20T17:02:00.001+05:30

Whoever said that we should make 5 year and 10 year plans and stick to them must have had a pretty good easy time sticking to it. It's something people like to say- "Have goals", "Achieve something", "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" (No. 1 interview question btw! I once replied saying 'Hopefully in your seat'), etc. etc. And more often than not, you nod in agreement- "Yes, yes, must get around to it", "I agree!", "I'm working towards it", etc. etc.

I'm changing my stance though. Because the only thing that these plans do is prove to you how fickle and changeable our lives are. I have achieved almost nothing of the 5 year plan I made 5 years ago. The 5 year plan I made 10 years ago was not so hard- finish school, do a degree, land a good job. Done. But then what? Then came the hard stuff- do your masters, get married, have kids, move up in your career.

None of which were achieved by the way.

Honestly I have absolutely no regrets about it. Not doing my masters doesn't mean I'm lazy. It just means I don't see a good enough reason to spend so much money and energy on something that doesn't necessarily get you a promotion or a raise just by itself. As for doing it for myself and my self esteem, well, I've always thought I'm way smarter than any grade I've gotten! Perhaps if I'm bored enough!

As for the rest, there are some things that you just cannot control. It's just how things are. And learning to accept that, that the way things unravel are beyond your control sometimes even though it can be extremely frustrating, are one of the best discoveries I've made.

So my goals now are- to be at peace, accept myself, not get sucked into the rat race, help others, love and be loved, get healthier. But these aren't goals really, just daily affirmations that need to be remembered.

And the next 5 years? Who knows? I'll let the universe surprise me :-)

Title from song: 5 years time- Noah and the Whale

Every rose has its thorns

2011-03-16T21:27:00.001+05:30

Best SMS forward I've received in a while :-)

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every plant survives thirst, but a cactus can. Not every retard can read, but look at you having a go! Today is International Nutters Day. Please send an encouraging msg to a fucked up friend, just as I've done. I don't care if you lick windows, interfere with farm animals or occasionally shit yourself. You hang on in there cup cake, you're fucking special to me, you're my mate!!!

Awesome!

Title from song: Every rose has its thorns- Poison

It's only words

2011-03-14T11:04:00.000+05:30

Actions are not always louder than words.

A word timed properly, and said sincerely can move me to tears. Like when my father said "Please don't misunderstand me" this morning after our huge fight last night, the tears just started pouring as I choked up, and just nodded. I wanted to say, "No! Don't say sorry, you're my father. It's understood", but all I could do was nod. And a huge chasm of guilt opened up as I remembered the words screamed out, the doors slammed, the feet stamped.

Yep, I lost it last night. And words said in anger always eat you up. Just like the way his words probably ate him up all night, and resulted in the heartfelt apology this morning.

But that's love right? Forgiving someone even before they say sorry, because you already know they are?

So no, actions are not always louder than words. Words reverberate. They hang there in an ugly cloud that you can't dissipate. Till they get heavier, and rain down, and make you wet and miserable.

Title from song: Words- Boyzone

Crazy right now

2011-03-14T09:22:00.004+05:30

This is how the deranged mind thinks:

No.
Can't.
Won't.
Don't.

No.
Hard.
Difficult.
Impossible.

No.
Anxious.
Stressed.
Scared.

No.
Pain.
Shame.
Guilt.

No.
No.
No.

Yes,

This is how the deranged mind thinks.

Title from song: Crazy in love- Beyonce feat. Jay Z

Insanity laughs

2011-03-12T00:57:00.000+05:30

Anyone who has gone through depression (or even if you haven't really) should watch this movie:

Favourite part:

Title from song: Under pressure- Queen

When the night falls

2011-03-10T10:13:00.000+05:30

I was sharing a story about how someone I schooled with had a nervous breakdown, and my friend turned to me and said quizzically, “How does that happen? How does one have a nervous breakdown?”.

I said, “Well, a lot of reasons, usually after a traumatic experience”.

She- “Yeah, but shit happens right”.

Me- “But different people have different levels of dealing with things”.

She continued looking quizzical.

And this is someone who has been through a lot.

And I sit here, wondering how people do that. Handle things so well, I mean.

And as I sit here, under a cloud of gloom, it makes me feel so weak.

Title from song: I'll stand by you- Carrie Underwood

I'm not denying

2011-03-08T20:09:00.002+05:30

So it's Women's Day, and I choose to address the topic of...

Virginity.

I've been meaning to write about this for quite some time, but it always felt too personal. It's not something I like sharing with people. Why? Because it's my ammunition. Remember my post on secrets? Well, I like keeping secrets with myself mostly because it's amusing to see how far off base people are with their judgments. And one of the topics they are most off base on is my state of virginity.

Like seriously. I'm still a virgin.

Perhaps the reason I'm revealing this now is because over the years it has lost its appeal to me. I mean, does it even matter anymore to anyone? I'm starting to think not. It used to matter to me, and back when I was in serious relationships it was the last thing I wanted to do. I was proud of my ability to say 'No', to be in control. It also helped me from having anxiety attacks of people finding out, because I live in a society where sex is still frowned upon before marriage. How naive I was to think that I could prove to people that I was a virgin just because I claimed to be, should a rumour start.

Which brings me to the present, where people would have a harder time believing I wasn't one, should a rumour start. As the years pass and I remain still sexually 'innocent' (okay, so not too innocent), I'm starting to feel like an outcast. Most of my friends are married, and the others are 'experienced'- I assume so in cases where I'm not sure. And that's just it. Everyone assumes the same of me. All the guys I get close to seem to assume this too. And then they find out, and they're in shock. Not even in a good way. More like 'Wtf, really?'.

Sigh.

I think I've just grown up. Sex is a perfectly natural, adult thing to do as long as you're not messing up your life and anyone else's lives because of it- and you use protection of course! And virginity is not proof of anything really, only an indication of extreme self control (TRUST ME ON THIS) and sticking to a personal moral code. Which is just one of the many ways you can exert self control and personal ethics.

Cause virgin or not, virtue is a state of mind, not body.

Happy Women's Day!

Title from song: Show me heaven- Belinda Carlisle

Pick of the bunch

2011-03-02T19:59:00.001+05:30

When someone doesn't pay much attention to what you do while you're doing it, it doesn't have to mean they don't care. It could just mean that they trust you enough to take care of it by yourself.

Work is taking over my life these days- so the little gem above is me trying taking away some life lessons while I'm at it!

I'm making time for yoga again. My back muscles almost wept in relief.

I finally answered 'His' (I'm running out of references! Must think of new one, this makes him sound God like) call. It was a strange experience. He is a strange, strange boy. I repeat, boy. Although he should be a man. Strange.

My song for the week: Uh oh-Electrocute. Listen to it now!

I unfailingly get full on Monday Blues. It's getting tiresome, but I remind myself that it will pass. And it does. Come Tuesday I'm hopping around like an Energizer bunny. By Wednesday I'm well on my way to burn out, Thursday I'm Energizer bunny again in anticipation of the weekend, and on Friday night I just lay on bed and hug it. Seriously.

To my readers from Israel, Iran and Taiwan: Hi! I love seeing new countries on my 'audience' list :-) And a 'Welcome' to my new followers too!

Title from song: Uh oh- Electrocute

Nothing inbetween

2011-02-26T18:02:00.000+05:30

There are two things that work against me that I really can't do much about.

The first is my face. When I'm not smiling, I look rather grumpy. It's like an instant transformation example generator. I smile- happiness and sunshine and all things flowery. I don't- every conceivable emotion opposite to it. I think many find it disconcerting and even discouraging.

The second is the way I speak my native language. I have an accent that drags, and I speak english in an elocuted kind of drawl. This does not bode well for Sinhalese. It makes it sounds pretentious and strange. My awareness of this makes me more conscious when speaking it, which makes the effect worse. This prevents me from being comfortable speaking it, which in turn prevents me from being myself with those who speak only Sinhalese.

So when I'm not being 'me', I'm probably a grumpy snob :-)

Title from song: Bitch- Meredith Brooks

Shake this

2011-02-24T00:23:00.001+05:30

Heard today that quite a few people fool around with the department's token 'gay guy'. He's really sweet, no offense, but seems to be quite the erm, player. Seriously, the dude is always on the phone flirting, and I need to go and shake his chair and keep punching him till he gets my work done. When that doesn't work I sit next to him and watch him while he completes the task. Of course, his phone keeps incessantly ringing throughout. I know this sounds really ignorant of me, and I admit to it, but are homosexual men more promiscuous? I'm all for people being free with their sexuality, but I draw the line when it comes to being free with their sexuality with people in 'committed' relationships. Or is it similar to any promiscuous person, whatever the sexual orientation?

I think what I'm more disgusted about is the fact that these are married men with kids sleeping around with him. Gross. It would be as disturbing if I were to find out that they were sleeping around with other women, just slightly more disgusting. Because these are people who are not open about it, and their poor wives probably don't have a clue. Or maybe they do. But I doubt they are okay with it either way.

It's evident I get disgusted easily. I'm very traditional like that, and it takes time for things to settle in. I would know everything that goes on out there, but when it hits close to home, I always think- what if I end up with a person like that? How much would go on without me knowing? What if I don't find someone who believes in fidelity? What if his infidelities lead me to do the same? How can a relationship stay healthy after such a big breach of trust, if a mistake does happen? What if I sleep with my husband, not knowing that hours earlier he's done the same with another woman (man)?

And that is how I get paranoid about settling down.

Do you notice, my writing is all over the place when I'm really disturbed about something. Random point.

Moving on, the guy who I dated briefly last year who wasn't 'ready to settle down', and who started calling me again recently, seems to have pretty valid reasons for doing so. And I like him enough to try and see where this goes. Experience has made me very defensive, but I realise that defensiveness is not wisdom. Wisdom is using experience to handle present situations better than you did last time. Also, a blogger once told me that women, in their quest to be chosen, often forget that they need to do the choosing too. And that men put off choosing till they're totally sure. I figured that it's this disconnect that cause women to go berserk often and men to not get serious easily (and vice versa). So armed with this knowledge, I shall try not to jump the gun. I shall be patient. I shall be intent on figuring out if I want him, and not analyse his every action to see if he wants me.

Am I already overthinking it? Probably? :-)

To end this long and disjointed rant, I will leave you with a song I heard on the radio on the way back home after a long and tiring (not to mention disturbing!) day. I love this song, and it relaxed me, and I smiled as I thought how a year or two ago I would have listened to these lyrics and cried. It feels so good to not be getting over someone. Really good.

RESCUE Uncle Kracker
Uploaded by magick1106. - Explore more music videos.

Hurrah to life always having an up after a down.
Good night, world.

Title from song: Rescue- Uncle Kracker

Does nothing ever last forever?

2011-02-21T22:29:00.001+05:30

"I have made a grave mistake", said our domestic as we walked in, and we stopped in our tracks, voices weakening as we asked her "what?".

"I broke your mug!", she said looking at me.

Oh! My mother- relief.

Oh. Me- a pause.

My mind flew back to the day I got that mug and the matching plate from an Odel sale, all prettily decorated with hearts. There was one word on it- emotions, and I thought they had been there unsold, just waiting for me. And then my mind quickly came back to the present where my mouth oozed the words, "Ah it's okayyyyyy", and my brain told my heart- nothing is permanent, least of all material things, and how long can a mug last anyway?

I walked up the stairs, feeling silly for getting nostalgic about it. Had it slipped and fallen from my hands, I would have been a lot sadder, but I could never be angry at someone else's genuine mistake. Especially someone who understood me and my weird connections to things enough to call it a 'grave mistake'.

But wait. This isn't a post about a mug.

It's about how I never am really surprised when I lose something I'm attached to.

Title from song: Another cup of coffee- Mike & the Mechanics

Coming home

2011-02-18T23:18:00.002+05:30

Had the worst day at work. Which is good I guess, because it came after 3 months, as opposed to 3 weeks. It's left me too drained to be creative tonight, so I choose the below 'Truth' as it's something I've thought about often during the past few months.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion?

They say people feel closer to their religion when they go through troubled times. Although Buddhism is not the most comforting of philosophies to turn to at the depth of your problems, coming out of them you start to understand what it truly means. What it all means really, not just Buddhism. Yes, I've become slightly spiritual (a.k.a flaky), but it's helping me be a better person. Which is what I think of religion, if taken in it's purest form.

It makes you a better person.

Which brings me to two verses from this site, which I think captures beautifully the sentiments of what my religion means to me:

"Oh shut up. Every time it rains, it stops raining. Every time you hurt, you heal. After darkness, there is always light and you get reminded of this every morning but still you choose to believe that the night will last forever. Nothing lasts forever. Not the good or the bad. So you might as well smile while you're here."

"And I've tried to find happiness in a bigger TV, a car and a watch. I've tried to find happiness in power over others and the respect of the people around me. And I appreciate your patience, while you stand here, right in front of me.

Waiting for me to come to my senses."

Title from song: Coming home- Diddy feat. Dirty Money & Skylar Grey

The undisclosed

2011-02-17T11:04:00.002+05:30

Gehan's comment on my previous post made me realise something about the way I put my emotions into writing (is there a written version for the word 'verbalize' btw?!).

Words are a strong force. Mightier than the sword and all that. And as therapeutic as it is to vent by writing on this blog, putting it down in black and white also validates whatever emotion I'm feeling. It makes it more real, and before I breathe that sigh of relief I also go through a phase of 'feeling' it. It's like an exhalation of air. You don't really know you're doing it, but if you concentrate on it, it becomes an experience.

And sometimes with negative emotions, I really don't want to go through that experience. Because being as easily freaked out by downers as I am, I'm scared that if I think about it more than I need to, it will leave an aftertaste. So unless I'm really downright 'down', I'll use words that don't capture the true depth of what I feel. Pissed off could be disguised as 'mildly annoyed', Scared could be 'freaked out', Sad could be 'low'. And in doing so, I make the situation better.

And 'depressed' is almost a no-entry zone. It's weird to think how often and lightly I would use the words 'Oh I'm depressed!' before I actually got depressed.

This doesn't mean I'm any less honest, just that I sometimes go about it differently.
Try it. It works.

Title from song: Undisclosed desires- Muse

What the hell

2011-02-16T20:05:00.001+05:30

I'm just mildly annoyed with the male species today. I'm annoyed that they keep calling me after treating me like shit, that they try to get whatever they can even while they're in relationships or worse yet married, and that they on the whole cannot be trusted. I find it gets worse the older you get. They seem to assume single= lonely and desperate (x10 for every year past 25).

This usually happens when I'm thrown into a new set of people, for example new work scenario. My sort of boss/team head just messaged and asked what I was upto, and when I told him I was hungry he replies saying if he was near my area he would take me out. Like wtf.

And then the guy who told me he 'doesn't want to get serious' keeps calling me incessantly. He obviously couldn't have had a change of heart in a month. Confused? Horny? Bored?

And then there's the new friend who keeps texting me ALL the freaking time. Chat applications are cool, till they're not (like when they show the other person you've just read their message). I mean seriously, I don't want to tell someone what I'm doing at this very moment, every few moments.

This may have been different an year ago. When I would worry about being nice- okay I still do that- or I would honestly be bored enough to reply.

But now, I just can't be fucking bothered. I may be lying on my bed, bored outta my head, but it sure as hell is better than stroking an ego of someone who's going through an early mid-life crisis. Or just hasn't got some for a while.

The day I meet a good man, I'll try not to worship him.

Title from song: What the hell- Avril Lavigne

Not a one night stand

2011-02-14T19:55:00.003+05:30

Gasp, I have been thoroughly negligent of blog lately. Apologies- mostly to myself because it's one of the ways I take care of myself. The other ways are eating healthy and exercising, of which the former happens (due to there being no time to hunt and gather junk food in my now 11 hours a day work schedule) and the latter hardly does (refer previously mentioned reason. Except cut out the part about hunting and gathering). Yeah yeah, bad me. I admonish myself daily, don't worry. Soon I'll start. Soon.

So that tirade was a part of the self-loving campaign I have going. And what better day to talk about it than on Valentine's Day! Other V-day self celebrations include- writing this post, ordering Chinese takeout to eat with family, an episode of Glee, and rereading Shopoholic :-)

Happy lovin', all! How was it for you?

P.S- A big boo to all my useless admirers who never send me anything V-dayish. Seriously, I NEVER get anything on Valentines Day. Oh there was that one year I forced then bf to get me a card. But that doesn't really count.

Title from post: Cruisin'- Huey Lewis & Gwyneth Paltrow

(Amen!)

2011-02-11T21:49:00.000+05:30

I had a pretty good week!

Title from song: Holiday- Green Day

My girlfriend's out of town

2011-02-07T21:23:00.001+05:30

So this is what makes me laugh amidst the Monday morning blues :-D

Courtesy: Urban Dictionary

Title from song: I like it- Enrique Iglesias feat. Pitbull

Need a parachute

2011-02-06T09:56:00.004+05:30

Mildly annoyed at the moment for below reasons:

Was not too well, so was stuck in bed for two days. What a waste of a long weekend. Sulk.
Plans yesterday evening fell through because of miscommunication on my part. Grump.
Feel a bit disconnected from a bestie- but keep reminding myself that the world does not revolve around me. Still. Sulk.
Mother told me that I should move around the house more. Thanks for the newsflash. Grump.
All this is exacerbated by the fact that most of it is due to me choosing to be annoyed...

...which is why I shall choose to take a few deep breaths (Omg, could they just talk quietly for once?!?! oh, sorry) and tell myself that the reason I sometimes pay too much attention to annoying things is only because I'm bored. So it's not me. It's my circumstances :-D Or PMS striking too early.

"People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them"
- George Bernard Shaw, "Mrs. Warren's Profession"

Hmmm, will go make my circumstances in exactly 2 hours. When I meet the girls for lunch and shopping and an evening out! Now if only the household stops getting on my nerves...

Title from song: Parachute- Cheryl Cole

Rate yourself and rake yourself

2011-02-04T13:00:00.002+05:30

I've been told I look like a kid. This was when we were discussing why boys much younger to me hit on me. My friend said, "You look a little lost and kiddish". Is this what a 26 year old wants to be told? Maybe not someone who is trying to act her age. Since most times I rarely remember my age, I really don't mind. Especially since I know it's probably the truth.

Sometimes though, I wish it was just the way I looked and not my inner personality shining through. Because after my recent dating mishaps, I wonder if it's this kiddish, lost characteristic that makes guys think that they can say sorry and make everything okay.

Like when he writes a year later and says sorry.
Or he messages 2 weeks later and makes an excuse.
And he calls a month later, hoping I'd pick up.

My initial instinct is to always respond. What's the big deal, I think, in being nice. Doesn't mean I'm a doormat, I'm just not a jackass like they were. A little flame of hope will light up, only to be snuffed out a few days later when things remain the same.

Oh well, I think again. Atleast I had nothing to lose.

But do I?

Title from song: Little lion man- Mumford & Sons

Ship into the shore

2011-01-31T14:18:00.001+05:30

Went for a Hens Night yesterday. And as always it was loads of fun.

But...

It badly made me want to get married and have my own family too!

(Small sigh)

Title from song: Can't fight this feeling- REO Speedwagon

Stop the feeling

2011-01-29T20:12:00.003+05:30

30 Days of Truth, Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Coincidence: Just heard about a friend of a friend who had killed himself, which touched that part of me I reserve for bad memories and logged in to write about it. Noticed that Hope had written a post about Suicide which was a part of our 30 Days of Truth project, that really hit home . And although I wanted to go through the list in order, felt the situation called for me skipping a few Truths to address what I'm thinking about right now.

So here goes (deep breath).

If you have followed my blog from the beginning you would know that the very reason I started it was because I did not want to give up on life. Which was a realization that occurred after a period of wanting to give up on life. Very much so in fact.

When?
Twice in my life. Once at around 18 and then 7 years later. The latter was the hardest though.

Why?
Suicidal feelings enter at the darkest moments of depression. It is not sudden, it is not pleasant, and it is definitely not wanted. But if depression is the alcohol you drink at the club every night, then suicide is the sexy bad boy who undresses you with his eyes. And this time, you welcome the attention because it feels so good. He chats you up, and creeps insidiously into your mind- you think of him in bed, in the shower, when you're trying to add up the quarterly figures for the report you need to submit at work. He calls you incessantly, flirts with you, sends you flowers and woos you. And before you know it, he's all you can think about.

That's how tempting suicide is when you're going through depression. Living becomes impossible, crying becomes tiresome, and all you want to do is make it STOP. And because doing anything about it seems unthinkably daunting, you tell yourself that you're only doing yourself and everyone a favour by just ending the pain. By 'you', I mean myself obviously.

So I can't really tell you why. I now see it as a result of the depression, which even in the moments of despair your common sense tells you although you just stare at it blindly and helplessly. It's also something that many people-sadly- follow through with. And although it feels like someone has kicked me in the gut each time I hear of it happening to someone not so unlike myself, it also makes me wish I could do something about it. Because I know it can be prevented.

If not I wouldn't be alive right now.

Title from song: Wasting my time- Default

They can say whatever

2011-01-28T20:49:00.000+05:30

Have you ever had people say things about you that weren't true? It's been awhile since I've been through that, and each time it's happened it's always been such a big deal. In hindsight I would wonder why I ever bothered, but the minute you hear of it, it hits you doesn't it?

Just heard that someone I was somewhat 'friends' with has been saying that I'm a drunkard flirt who sleeps around. So dramatic! But what makes it amusing is that he has told this to one of my best friends. Who knows me. The me who drinks, and flirts (so?!), and who doesn't sleep around (again, so?!). The one who tells me that I'm the one people don't play around with, but would ultimately marry instead, and laugh her guts out when I would try and convince her otherwise.

So while I feel a slight tug somewhere in the lower chest region, and the child in me is hurt by the unfairness of people's empty words, I shall focus instead on the adult fact of life which is that there will always be people who will say bad things about you.

And I shall also tell the child in me to stop ramming him in the balls mentally.

Title from song: Hard- Rihanna feat. Young Jeezy

My name is

2011-01-26T21:45:00.001+05:30

United States, United Kingdom, India, South Korea, Canada, Australia, Netherlands, Italy, Malaysia, Italy, Russia, Greece, Slovenia, Philippines, Poland....

It's nice to see that I have readers from around the world :-) But I wish I knew who they were!

Who are you?

Title from song: Slim shady- Eminem

It was only a kiss

2011-01-25T22:06:00.002+05:30

The below resonated strongly, and reminded me of men for some reason. The way they disappear so easily. The lame excuses. The ability to not give a damn. Not that I've been let down so much that it really affects me- yet- but am sure a lot of women out there have been. So if you are one of them, this one is for you :-) Of course, credits to this amazing site.

And I'm sorry if I haven't written to you in a while. It's just that life gets in the way of living. It's just that my fingers were stuck together. It's just that all the paper in the world caught fire.

You'll forgive me if I haven't written in a while. It's just that all the envelopes made love to dragonflies and now, we cannot bring them down. It's just that time stopped ticking. It's just that all the ink ran clear.

My apologies if I haven't written in a while. It's just that words ran out of letters (these are the last in the bag). It's just that language isn't perfect. It's just, me.

Title from song: Mr. Brightside- The Killers

Less than fuckin' perfect

2011-01-24T21:22:00.001+05:30

Today I was told that I looked like I just stepped out of bed. That my hair was messy. That I don't look maintained. I pouted and told them that I liked the way I looked. And I did.

This is the way I've always been. People can insult what I'm wearing, but if I'm comfortable in what I'm in, it wouldn't bother me at all (if I'm uncomfortable and get commented on is a whole different story). You see, I like looking different even if it means not looking totally acceptable. Ideally, there would always something about me that wouldn't quite fit in- be it a shawl draped unusually, the extra large necklace, or the baggy linen pants and flats when everyone else is in pencil skirts; the messy hair- I honestly don't brush it sometimes- amidst the relaxed/bonded/straightened strands.

Sometimes I wish I dressed to highlight my assets more. I've been told I'm sexy but that I don't show it off. But I don't really want to. On some level, I don't want the extra attention. I'm somewhat paranoid of male attention, especially in the workplace. Whenever a guy is extra nice to me I always wonder if it's because of how I look or if he is genuinely helpful. Admittedly, it is easier to get things done as it is, and I wouldn't want to think it's because I'm baring some cleavage or because my skirt is accentuating my bum. So I don't.

Oh and it's also cause I'm not a skinny person and clothes that fit me well take a lot of searching if it's not going to make me bankrupt. And I honestly can't be bothered. I'm happy with how I look, and maybe I could look better, but I'll settle for 'good' on a day to day level. Makes looking my 'best' that much more exciting when I occasionally go through the trouble and effort to.

Title from song: Fuckin' perfect- Pink

Just floating

2011-01-23T20:51:00.001+05:30

I just finished reading 'The Witch of Portbello' by Paolo Coelho. I never could digest Coelho before. It always seemed like a lot of spiritual hoo haa. But something about this book made me buy it (I think it was just the arresting cover!), and although it was a lot of spiritual hoo haa, this time I liked it. Alot.

Perhaps I'm more open mentally, but I find myself being very 'accepting' now of....well, I'm not really sure of what yet, but it's a liberating feeling. Like I can finally breathe.

Of course, no post about a book would make too much of an impact without a look into what made an impact on me, so here's one of my favourite parts:

'I was always trying to be who I am, but could never manage it. I was always trying to impress other people, have intelligent conversations, please my parents and, at the same time, I used every available means to do the things I would really like to do. I've always forged my path with blood, tears and will power, but last night, I realised that I was going about it the wrong way. My dream doesn't require that of me. I have only to surrender myself to it and, if I find I'm suffering, grit my teeth, because the suffering will pass'

Title from song: If I had eyes- Jack Johnson

Start living

2011-01-22T11:46:00.001+05:30

Been on a One Republic trip lately (their music is just beautiful) and was almost on the verge of getting a bit too nostalgic when listening to this, when instead I realised that it's actually a song about hope and change. The questions aren't desperate, they're meaningful and positive, but you need to look at it from a different point of view. From the better side :-)

So basically, my answer to all the questions in this song is......yes. Give it a listen and you'll understand.

This is going to be my year of 'yes'. Enough with the analysis, the pondering, the adjustment to change. I've worked hard all last year, and it's made such a difference. It proved that change is necessary, if only to improve my quality of life. It's also a continuous process, and probably a never-ending journey, but hey- that's life.

Just that now I'm going to start living it too.

Title from song: Yeahx3- Chris Brown

Give all my secrets

2011-01-21T22:31:00.003+05:30

Do I have a sympathetic face?

Wait a minute. You don't know what my face looks like.

But I think I do. It has to be the reason that people I barely know feel comfortable telling me extremely personal stories about themselves. The girl who broke their heart, the boy they can't let go of, the new job that they're moving to but that's not confirmed yet, the boss who used to harass them- stories of love, death, loss, hope. It feels intimate, and even though not everyone tells me it's private, I know it's not something they're walking around revealing to people they've known a couple of weeks. I certainly wouldn't.

The reason for this post is that lately I find myself listening a lot. I have stories to share in return, but I already have people to share them with. So I listen. Listen. Listen.

It must be the face.

Title from song: Secrets- One Republic

The only girl

2011-01-16T19:32:00.001+05:30

I am complete.
But damaged
obviously.

I don't need you to fill in the cracks,
For it is through them
that the light shines through.

Like a diamond,
the pains and hurts have polished me
into what I am today.

At first glance,
I'm beautiful,
sure.

But if you're patient enough
to sit out the quirks,
the shyness,
the clumsiness
and the wannabe brave persona

If you wait
till I fall into position,
the one I know I look best in

I will dazzle you.

Title from song: Only girl in the world- Rihanna

Heaven don't hear me

2011-01-16T12:04:00.000+05:30

30 Day of Truth, Day 14 → A hero that has let you down (letter)

Personally I think this is a bit of a lame exercise in the otherwise cool 30 Days list (amongst a few others), so I'll make this short in order to get to the better stuff faster.

I don't have a 'hero' as such. There are people I admire and think are irreplaceable, but that's natural isn't it? A hero has to be above all that, and the closest I would get to admiring someone that much is how I view Lord Buddha. And he can't really let me down, because he never promised to be there for me.

The only person who can let me down completely is myself. Everyone else who does is something that I have learnt to expect. Human beings aren't infallible. And who taught me that first? Buddha :-)

Title from song: Hero- Nickelback

Halfway there

2011-01-15T16:25:00.001+05:30

So getting 'intimate' with someone I've known for a total of 3 days is hopefully the most daring I'll get this year. While I did accomplish something I had wanted to do (how LONG can one go without any physical activity with the opposite sex?! My limit is like 2.5 years), it also made me realise that some things I had thought about myself were wrong. I've always been traditional in the sense that even to hold a guy's hand, I'd have to be somewhat committed to the cause. And getting intimate was a big no-no. Similar to my mindset at 16.

A decade of experience has to result in some change. Phew.

I surprised myself. And I like that. I like the fact that people think of me in one way, and inside I can smirk (just a little though- I am still pathetically goody goody at heart) and smile mysteriously. Because even now, with this bit of news alone, I know you will assume things about me which aren't really true :-)

Smiles mysteriously.

Title from song: Living on a prayer- Bon Jovi

Make it all mine

2011-01-13T20:07:00.000+05:30

I don't need a man to make me feel good, but the attention makes me feel more desirable.
I don't need reassurances of love, but little acts of kindness from friends and family makes me feel more loved.
I don't need constant encouragement, but praise from my superiors at work makes me feel more useful.
I don't need the weighing scale to prove a point, but losing 2 kilos makes me feel more confident.
I don't need happiness to make me feel better, but it makes me feel more optimistic.

Oh who am I kidding? Who couldn't do with all that? ;-)

Title from song: Make it mine- Jason Mraz

Can't get enough

2011-01-11T20:43:00.000+05:30

Tonight
I'm thankful for the emotions that keep me in check.

If only he wasn't so fucking hot.

Title from song: Higher- Taio Cruz

Angel of mercy

2011-01-10T11:08:00.001+05:30

It seems like I'm on some surge of adrenalin these days. All I want to do is go out and immerse myself in activity. So it's a good thing my body screamed STOP by giving me a super-awesome sorethroat, cough and fever which has landed me in bed for the last two days. Who am I kidding, I just love the feel of my bedsheet against my feet and the pillow on my face. But not for long!

Thought a lot about my personal relationships on a long train ride this weekend. As the trees whizzed past, and the wind blew in my face, my life played out in my mind- the men I've loved, the boys whose hearts I've broken, those who broke mine, the hands I've held, the lips I've kissed, the times my knees gave way and the times they never did. The faces, the eyes, the voices, words, laughter, tears. The love, helplessness, despair, safety, fear.

I love easily. I'm not sure why. I've felt love in almost all it's forms-and as I grow older I find out more and more how fleeting it can be. Does this mean I'm jaded? No. I wish sometimes that I was. That it would require a hammer to chip away at the walls so that I know the person who reaches through has worked really hard. Does me loving easily make it less sacred? Is my love too freely available?

I'm not really sure. The cough syrup is making the screen swim before my eyes though, so I'll have to figure it out some other time :-P

Title from song: Mercy- One Republic

If I'm smart then I'll run away

2011-01-07T06:43:00.000+05:30

So the year started with fireworks. Both the literal and metaphorical kind. The day before had been a day of the closure I had so longed for. I met the Ex (the one I refer to as 'You' and stopped writing about quite some time ago) and I realised I had actually let go. I also realised that as much as that relationship fucked me up, there was something else that followed that fucked me up more. It's something that I have dealt with and moved past, but there is still some residue. And this year is all about not having residue.

See, as I was telling the First Guy I Dated for the Year (past tense already!), being good is difficult. And then I said, no actually, it's just that being bad is difficult. He laughed and said how matter of factly I say things that hit you hard. And I thought, so it should. Because they have certainly hit me hard. In the balls, were I have to have some.

The thing is this. I'm intense. I'm fragile. I'm transparent. The minute I talk about a guy I like, I have almost all my friends-bless them- asking me to run for cover, asking me if he's good enough, asking me if I'm settling. And they ask this very early on, because they know me. I listen and process. I ignore them for a while. And then I think the same thoughts myself, and follow through, but only because I thought it. They were right of course, but I will always choose living over wondering. Never mind the fact that I live in short bursts. Like 5 days of intensity before I back out to lick my wounds.

He said he can not get attached because you learn from your mistakes. But that he liked me. And I said I liked him too, but he's not what I need. But given the chance, I would have tried it out. I remembered the difference between need and want. Want is what you should always go with. Want is good.

Title from song: Beautiful stranger- Madonna

You know we're superstars!

2010-12-30T08:33:00.001+05:30

What I've learned in 2010

- That it's not hard to tell the difference between BS people and no BS people. More people than we think are actually very real, just that not all of them will choose to be real WITH YOU. But I'm a very open person, and when another like-minded person realises this and is open in return- bam! friendship!

- That as easy as it is for me to fall in love once I like a person, I get annoyed when people I don't like fall in love with me. This is usually because most of them are friends, and when feelings get in the way, I feel disgusted. Because here I am trusting someone to just be my friend, and then not knowing if they're so nice to you only because they want something in return. However, I am lucky to still remain friends with some of the people whose 'overtures' I've rejected. Thier choice, not mine.

- That I have become rather passive as of late. I've always been an avoider of conflict, but I used to have this horrible need to always be seen as 'right'. I had mistaken it for passion. Now I realise that passion is very limited. You need to be passionate about a handful of things, and not about how a word is spelt or when the Spice Girls disbanded. So each time I disagree, I just mutter to myself "Well I don't think so". And I move on. Sooo Zen huh!

- That I have been told I care too much about what other people think. Perhaps I have gotten used to taking advice from friends at times when I know I'm going to make the wrong decisions.But isn't that assertiveness, and looking out for myself? Why follow my own thoughts when I know they're going to do more harm than good?

- That I'm less and less hooked on the past. I will be nostalgic and sentimental sure, but I try and concentrate more on the present. And the future, though this is not a good habit either. I hate not knowing. But I've stopped going on the 'If I had done that, then I wouldn't be here now' path. I go on the 'Okay so if that's where I need to be, then I should do this' path. I don't always follow up on what needs to be done, but one step at a time ya!

- That I am a bit of a slave to my circumstances. Whenever I experience change, I usually feel happier and more alive. Both positive and negative change, but these need to balance out. I can't get too much of a good thing, but I get bogged down if too much of a bad thing happens. If both happen simultaneously, great.

- I realise I don't give myself enough credit. I'm so much more than a sum of my parts. And just because I can't really figure out some of those parts doesn't make me any less complete or whole. Or amazing. Because we are all amazing!

- That Money, Clothes, Shoes, Job, Boyfriend- these are just name tags. What makes them worthwhile is how you earn it (money), how much you share (clothes and shoes), and how truly you love each other (Boyfriend).

- That people who judge me too fast are usually SO wrong about me.

- That there's an inner rebel inside of me that's dying to break out. Not the break rules type, but just one that's at odds with the nice girl persona I seem to exude. I'm not a bad ass, but I'm not conventional either. Atleast not inside. Complex much?

- That connections run deep for me. More than words or actions. It's a feeling I can't explain. I can feel connected to a person, a moment, a feeling. And each time I experience either of these I feel like I've come home.

- That this year, I'm glad for all the connections, the moments, the happiness, the sadness, the acceptance.

The Peace.

Happy New Year!

Title from song: We are who we are- Ke$ha

But tonight

2010-12-24T17:44:00.001+05:30

Just when I thought it wouldn't be complicated, it became complicated.

Yes, I dated yet another boy. And yet again, it didn't work out. And I kinda liked him too. A bit more than 'kinda'. This is after endless talks to myself not to get my hopes up. He didn't even do much. Just good conversation, and great company. And then it turns out he's not ready. For anything serious.

And as much as I tell myself that it's no big deal, it is. It always is. This feeling of rejection will pass, probably sooner than later, but that doesn't mean I don't feel it.

My blessing and curse.

Sometimes I think what I really miss is the physical-ness of having a boyfriend. And because I don't do casual flings, getting physical with someone always means me genuinely liking him.

So maybe it's because we held hands.

Title from song: Tonight- Enrique Iglesias feat. Ludacris

What whaat..?

2010-12-18T10:18:00.003+05:30

Maybe I'm being repetitive -think when you've written over 200 posts, you always get that vague feeling that you've written about this SOMEWHERE- but below are some common assumptions made about me that I find really amusing.

Tends to happen each time I enter a new group of people, for example at a new job (which I'm in as of late. And liking alot by the way. Didn't want to say 'loving' in case I jinx it. I'm weird like that).

"You're (insert my age)?! Wow. You look smaller"
I don't get this as often as I'd like. And the word 'smaller' doesn't necessarily mean I look younger. Just more kiddish, which isn't ideal either :-P

"You're (insert my religion) ?! But you don't look it no. I thought you were (insert alternate religion)"
Now this one really baffles me. But I've been told this since wayyyyy back. So this is probably the longest standing one.

And the best one yet:

"You're single?! Why? You're pretty no"

.......
............
..................

Yeahhhhhhhh.

Title from song: Can I get a - Jay Z

My mode

2010-12-15T22:04:00.000+05:30

And I'm a million different people from one day to the next,

I can't change my mode, no no,

No no no.

Cause lyrics seem to say it when I don't have time for words.

Hope you all are having a very merry Christmas season!

Title and lyrics from: Bittersweet Symphony- The Verve

Some of it is transcedental, some of it is really dumb

2010-12-12T23:16:00.002+05:30

Philosophical chat convos at 11pm go something like this:

    Me: do you think we never get over some ppl
    like they'll always have a spot for them in our hearts
    Her: yes definitely
    Me: the spot probably gets smaller though as time passes
    it's normal right?
    Her: it totally is
    you move on
    Me: i wonder if true love is when you can give all of your heart to someone
    Her: but
    Me: without having the parts for other ppl
    Her: can u though?
    for it to work out like that then u would have to be in your first relationship and   nothing else
    Me: i suppose
    Her: or maybe i just haven't met anyone i could give my whole heart to
    Me: i think i'll always be a little in love with my exes
    like a teeeeeeny bit
    not (name ommitted)
    hehe
    Her: so would i
    Me: or maybe just love them
    Her: it might not exactly be 'love'
    Me: maybe that's the beauty of love
    for me it's love. because to have that pang of affection/caring even after so much change
    Her: maybe
    Me: it cant be because of anything lesser
    Her: i was going to say fondness
    Me: and maybe it's because i loved them all wholeheartedly each time
    Her: but fondness springs from love
    Me: yeah exactly
    it's just a different manifestation
    sha deep no
    Her: like totally

    :P

Title from song: Book of love- Peter Gabriel

When I'm with you

2010-12-11T10:53:00.001+05:30

30 Days of Truth, Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter)

Dear Staind,

I'm not sure if the fact that you've gotten me through some 'tough ass days' (they said it, not me!) is a good thing, seeing as most of your music is considered wrist-slittingly depressive. Make no mistake, it's awesome music. But wrist-slittingly depressive nevertheless.

Having said that, you know how sometimes when you are alone and you feel like no one understands? You don't need to be sad or confused to feel that, you can easily be in a happy place and have people think you're crazy too. But since we've cleared out that your songs don't fall into the 'happy' category, I'll have to stick with the former. So anyway, you know that feeling right? Well, whenever I've felt that way, you understood. I think the first time I fell in love with your music was when I was 14 or 16 or whenever it is that 'Been a while' was popular. And ever since then I've been hooked. So in a way, you're almost a religion. Offering me solace in my time of need and all that.

Of course, you've made me cry too. Like with 'Epiphany'. It's always raining in my head. Bitter truths are hard to swallow. Some may call it negative. But the important thing is I don't live by those words. They're just there for me, y'know, when times get tough.

So Staind- here's wishing you many more years of beautiful music making. And thank you. For being there for me.

Your loyal fan,
Seesaw

Title from song: Been a while- Staind

Rocking around

2010-12-10T07:41:00.000+05:30

Tommorrow... I'm going to SIT DOWN in front of my PC for a proper period of time (this is the first time I'm logging in in more than a week!) and WRITE a proper blog post, and catch up on all the latest posts of my favourite blogs.

Tommorrow...I'm going to consider BUYING my Secret Santa a present. Actually getting out of the house to do it is another question. But deciding what to get is half the battle! Although I suck at buying guys gifts. Ideas?

Tommorrow...I'm going to READ a little. CATCH UP on Modern Family. CALL my cousin. TALK to my nephew. CHAT with my family. DRINK lots of tea.

Tommorrow....I'm not going to wonder why great first dates fizzle out to mild disinterest. I'm not going to analyse my thoughts and figure out if it's because my expectations are high, or because there's actually nothing much to get excited about. I'm going to be PATIENT.

Tommorrow...I'm going to think of how much I ENJOY working hard. And I'm going to APPRECIATE that being busy makes me appreciate being bored. And REALISE that life always works out. Till it gets hard again. But then it works out again.

Tommorrow....I'll do all that.

But today- I gotta run, cause I'm late for work!

Title from song: Rocking around the christmas tree- Daniel O'Donell

It WAS only just a dream

2010-12-05T21:09:00.000+05:30

While thinking up a post about how crazy the past week has been, it suddenly struck me that it's been 1 year since I started this blog.

Woah.

I guess I've managed to achieve some of what I had hoped for in that initial post- I believe I have reached a fair amount of people with my words and experiences. And for me, that's enough. I don't want to change the world. But I also believe we can never get anywhere till we face up to reality. Which I've been doing aplenty in the year past.

And that brings me to the greatest realisation of them all- I'll never get anywhere until I change myself. It's a lifelong process, but atleast I've made a good start.

I'm glad.

I had to so I did.

Title from song: Just a dream- Nelly

What happened to Miss Independent?

2010-11-28T12:20:00.002+05:30

Independence- what is it about anyway? In my own words and thoughts it would be the ability to think for yourself, and to act on those thoughts, the way you like to. But of course you can't really. You'll always be bound by limitations, be it laws, regulations, norms, culture, values, beliefs, habits, personality. Not all at once, but always some or one of them.

What defines independence, especially when it comes to a person? It probably differs greatly, depending on who is looking at and judging you, and again this is probably different to how you measure your own independence. Take me for instance. As far as face value (which appears to be the all important value in this day and age of it being ALL about the appearances) goes, I could be called an independent person. I earn my own money, I'm capable of getting from one place to another by myself, I have enough intelligence to look at a situation and decide on a plan of action, I can talk to who I like and go where I want, buy what I desire, dress in the clothes that appeal to me. My body is there for me to do what I will with it, my (much too) unbridled mind thinks all sorts of thoughts.

However, the way I live my life is also greatly influenced by a few key people I love.Why? Because I let it. And that's where Independence's equally brilliant sister comes in- Interdependency (for some reason, they are feminine forces to me). It forms the foundation of all great relationships.

How does this work in a relationship? I'm not undermining the importance of being happy in your own company before you get into a relationship. But just as fears and doubts creep into even the healthiest relationships, they strike you when you are single too. There are evenings when you wish you had a warm body to hold onto, times when you want there to be someone you can call and know will be there for you and want to listen to you. This doesn't necessarily have to be a partner, as friends and family do this just as well. But I'm just acknowledging the times when you WANT a man. (Esp because you can't have sex with friends and family. And sex is important!)

My point is- no matter how happy you are without someone, the dynamic changes when you fall for someone. And because he won't be the answer to all your life's solutions, your flaws and insecurities won't disappear. They'll just get carried forward. Your loneliness won't go away- you'll feel it when he's busy and you really want to talk to him. And if you're lucky, he won't be a distraction from your problems. He'll just be one more person to halve your sorrows with and not in any way add to them.

Enter interdependency.if you don't let yourself be vulnerable; if you don't let yourself depend on him- just as you depend on the key people in your life- and have him depend on you, your relationship becomes dispensable. He becomes any man who will be there for you, easily replaceable. The trick is in realising what makes him more than a support and company dispenser.

But that's something I can't give you guidelines on. You'll know what it is when you cannot find words for it.

What do you think?

Title from song: Miss Independent- Kelly Clarkson. GREAT lyrics actually- totally compliments this post. Listen to it now!

That don't impress me much

2010-11-24T22:30:00.001+05:30

30 Days of Truth, Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on

This one is a toughie, because

a) there may be so many things that I do not get compliments on that I'm not aware of;
b) for me to realise that I do not get complimented on them has to also mean that I think of them as compliment worthy

Which I don't. Everything I like about myself, someone or another has also liked. Again am not sure if this sounds like I'm taking conceited. It could also mean that I need to love more things about myself!

Oh but wait. I can think of one. My feet. I really like my feet, but I don't think anyone has once told me, "You have nice feet". Except my mother. And I can't really say she's biased because she does sometimes say that I....that she doesn't like...

Hmmm.

Right. She's biased.

Title from song: That don't impress me much- Shania Twain

Seems to be

2010-11-22T11:53:00.001+05:30

You say sorry
like you expect absolution,

But this is not confession
and I'm not a fucking priest.

Title from song: Sorry seems to be the hardest word- Elton John feat. Blue