As your shadow crosses mine

Being in love is one of the most scariest feelings ever.
Or maybe it's the state beyond that.
When you know your life is better
because of someone's presence in it,
and you want it to last.

(Please last).

Title from song: We found love-Calvin Harris feat. Rihanna

There's been times

We are 4 days into my favourite month of the year. December is usually full of things happening. It holds possibilities, a buzz, the promise of letting you do everything you've been waiting to do. It makes you a bit reckless, because you know it's your last time to do that thing you've been wanting to do all year.

I've accomplished a lot this year. Experienced a lot. And although  lot is different from this time last year, everything is essentially the same. I am still the same, but one year wiser. And that's saying something. A year now holds so much more than it used to. Life happens at an increasingly frenetic pace, although you don't notice it at the time.

This year has been about finding myself, and I like what I've found.

And then I realise I feel this way at the end of every year.

And that's all I could ask for.

Title from song: All for you- Sister Hazel

Crazy love

I woke up this morning, and was going over some thought in my head. About how confused I am. About the hours I spend doubting our relationship, and then have it all melt away the minute I hear his voice. How I go to bed calmed by the one sentence I heard him say through my sleepy haze. And how in that moment my heart surged with love, and how it didn't matter if I didn't hear it back.

Because there's something about this. I'm not romanticizing it. That's just the way it is. Reminded me of this post.

But there will need to be changes. Very slight on his part. Very big on my part- most to do with not letting my thoughts snowball into the paranoid mess it sometimes becomes.

I don't know if we can do it. I don't know if he wants this enough to do it.

And then I think about how he must see me- with my crazy mood swings, my sobs one evening, my laughter the next, my indecision.

And then I think of how I see him- constant, steady, unperturbed, honest. Through all my dramatics, he still smiles at me, and cracks a lame joke to make me laugh, and holds my hand each and every time.

He's not the one who's changed. I'm the one who doesn't stay the same. And labeling it as 'intense' is my way of hiding behind an excuse. I need to grow the fuck up. Whether I do it with or without him...well, only time will tell.

Title from song: Crazy love- Michael Buble

Lie to me

I'm this close to getting my heart broken, and yet I am able to get out of bed. That sinking feeling is very much present, and yet I function. Sure I daze out now and then but I get my work done. I come home and go get my workout.

Is it hope?

Whatever it is, this is nowhere as crippling as my silly, meaningless downs. I'm surprising myself. Maybe when we really need to hold it together, we find the strength....from somewhere. Even if it means falling apart a month or two later :-)

Btw how long does it take someone to fall in love with their significant other? I love you but I'm not in love with you yet? Yeah, my heart is almost surviving this one. But maybe it shouldn't. Guess the answer will come to me soon.

Title from song: Strong enough- Sheryl Crow

How far I fall

The need to cry.
Recurring bad dreams.
Anxiety about how things will turn out.

Sometimes I'm just such a bloody mess. Sigh.

Once I told a fellow blogger that I blog too, and he was trying to guess which one mine was. One of his guesses were "is it some emo, angsty blog?", and as I smiled my mind agreed.

Emo, angsty people write emo, angsty things, resulting in emo, angsty blogs.

How does one stop feeling so much? If hardships in childhood bear resilient adults, what do hardships in adulthood do? Drive them slightly nuts? Make them sit at their computer on a beautiful Sunday night and type meaninglessly because it helps them from thinking too much?

Seriously, when does all this make me a stronger person?

I'm waiting, Universe.
I'm waiting.


Title from song: Heartbreak warfare- John Mayer

If I just lay here

Behind every bad person lies a good one. Nobody starts horrible. At the point of coming into this world, everyone has a clean slate.

However, not everyone is born into the same circumstances. And sometimes this makes all the difference.

The exuberantly angry man stared out at the snow covered landscape, his breath clearing the misted window pane momentarily with every ragged breath. It kept coming up in waves, and catching in his throat, and it made his chest ache with pain. He gripped the end of his walking stick harder, thinking he was going to die right then and there, alone and cold. And angry. But he couldn't, he couldn't. Not with so much unresolved. Not without anyone knowing.

He had held onto too many secrets in his life. It had been the right thing to do at the time, but now they were just smothering him. He was being choked by the weight of the secrets of others, and while they went about on their way in the world, he had ended up with a multitude of skeletons in his closet. Other people's sins, his to bear.

He had often wished he was Catholic. Atleast then he could imagine that this is what Jesus must have felt like. Or was it God? He was hazy on the details.

What had started as justice, ended…here. No witnesses, no company, no appreciation or gratitude. Just emptiness, loneliness, bitterness and guilt.

He watched as one lone icicle snapped and broke in two, the end disappearing into the snow leaving no trace.


This week's Indie Ink Challenge came from http://ms-ixy.blogspot.com;Ixy, who gave me this prompt: Skeletons, icicles and an exuberantly angry man. I challenged http://debragrayelliott.blogspot.com:Debra Elliot with the prompt Insensitive.

Title from song: Chasing cars- Snow Patrol